I’m just not meeting the right guys. I’m better at spotting players but kind of  sucks that I hope that when they say they aren’t that type of guy they would prove me wrong but whatever. I should just try my best to not get invovled but whenever a nice guy randomly pops up I never know if he might be one of those “ones” and I don’t want to turn him down but lately they’ve all be players. I really just need a good break or meet a good decent guy. I know not all guys are buttheads but where are the nice ones :[

Knew he be seeing and talking to another girl. His vegas trip he be holding hands and getting all intmate with another girl then prank calling him with my friend he ends up wanting to meet up and flirting with my friend and took her seriously then I confront him about both he be all in denial and putting blame on me bullshit. He even now changed his profile picture to holding hands with that girl. Damn good hink I caught his player ass. Whatta nigga.

Is it because you hurt me the most?

Is it because I fell in love with you the most?

Is it because of unresolved issues?

Is it because of no closure?

Is it because this all happened after we didn’t work out?

Is it because of all the mean stuff you said behind my back?

I know I deserve and do better but I keep getting hurt and feel like I don’t deserve this.

Why do I keep thinking about you in times like this?

Welp, I’ve fixed things with a certain boy I’ve been talking to and told him what was wrong. We shall take things slow and how he will prove himself different from all the other boys who’ve played me. We both do have genuine feelings for each other so we’ll see how things go :D

Welp, another thing that might still effect thing possibility is the whole navy thing but I shouldn’t worry about that until another year or two if we are together by then. I should just try to focus on the present now and worry about the future when it approaches or it will ruin things. 

Welp, I also need totally closure from the past relationships/flings that left me heartbroken. Just need some answers or just totally accept things on how they are without an answer. Just frustrating on how I don’t know anything and I’m beating myself over it on how things became the way they are. Can we at least be friends or tell me the reason behind your actions instead of lying to me or hating me or ignoring me.

Welp, lastly I still have lingering feelings for a bestie/bro and I know I shouldn’t. He’s already taken and I know since I’m his sister that is the only thought that will cross his mind when he thinks of me. I know he use to like me back in middle school but I just wasn’t really accepting and friend-zoned then eventually brother-zoned him. (Gosh friend/brother-zone boys too much T_T anyhow…LOL) After loosing touch and reuniting I was so happy to be together with him again and how much he changed for the better but both of us always being so overprotective and being there for one another when our hearts have been broken I feel so sad and heartbroken and wanting to be there to comfort and be closer but the thought struck me of what if we took things to another level but I never wanted to ruin our relationship we have now since it’s so great. Then eventually he started to become more busy and I have too and it’s hard to see or talk to each other due to distance. We both love each other a lot but know he has a new girlfriend and a new circle of popular guy friends I feel like I’m kinda left out in the dark but I should still be there for him when he needs me but I feel like sometimes he just doesn’t want to be around me. Maybe he knows I still have those lingering feelings of wanting to move past this brother and sister/ best friend stage. Maybe we are meant to stay in there or maybe later in the future there is more in store for us. I don’t mind being the sister but sometimes it does frustrate me that brother-zoning him would make me feel like this you know.

I hate it when people expect me to have a boyfriend or thought I had one or can’t believe I don’t have one.

It makes me pissed and upset. I don’t show it since they didn’t mean it. Just I would love to be in a relationship and be happy but I’m traumatized from guys at the sametime.

My heart just keeps beating faster and pounding harder to the point where it hurts and my chest is aching from it.

My mind is so tired for overthinking everything and never being able to just simply “relax and have fun” I can’t even put answers on a fucking scantron correctly. That’s hella sad.

My body is getting so weak and so skinny. I barely have the enegry to even lift my laundry upstairs or to carry a giant glass of milk without almost dropping it.

My eyes and smiles are just full of lies. I’m exhausted of always hiding everything in like I’m fine or doing it for others because I love to help them out or because I’m terrified of the consequences. 

My self-esteem is so low. I feel like I’m a horrible person. Even though I might be pretty and every girl’s “dream body”, I still feel ugly as shit. Even though I so many things for others or try my best, I feel like I’m still a bad person. I feel like I don’t deserve anything.

My sleep is full of nightmare and night terrors. Even if I don’t remember my dreams, I’ll wake up feeling the urge to cry or I find tears already on my face. If I try to dream and think of something happy, it will just fade away and all my stress and worries come and huant my in my escape for reality. I wake up at least 2-7 times each night almost every night.

My anger and aggression is so bottled up, I will try my hardest not to lash out at somebody. How I would love to just start fights everywhere and sock people who are hella rude and piss me the fuck off or hurt others for no god damn good reason.How I’d love to cuss out my family. How I would love to break everything in site. I use to be so good at controlling it but now everything is exploding and leaking little by little then BOOM.

My emotions, morals, ethics, and consious is so out of whack, I can’t tell from right or wrong anymore when it comes to myself. I don’t know hot to feel anymore. I’m always depressed, I take things out on myself and always blaming and punishing myself. Always wanting to hunt my self. Refraining myself from hurting myself. I always question and doubt myself. I may live in a life of luxuries and I appreciate all that has been given and provided for me but I can’t enjoy them if it’s use to blackmail me and I can’t enjoy them with the people I’m surronded by giving my negativity or the ones that I love.

Ugh, just typing this makes me want to cry and go kill myself but got to let it out somewhere. I hope you guys don’t think I’m pyscho or anything. Another reason why I don’t like to express my feelings.

It just gets weaker and weaker.

I just want to stay home today and sleep and cry all day.

I wake up every morning with either tears running down my face or the strong urge to cry.

They always try to keep the family together but we always fight and be fake to each other.

What we really want is to separate and go our different ways.

I get hella pissed and frustrated when people think I can’t be single/fling-free for a year.

I mean like I do have a past and known to be a flirt or have flings but when people don’t believe me when I say I don’t want to be in a relationship or a guy right now and say of what guy are you talking to now or if I talk to any about any guy or hang with them, even if they are my bros, I still get shit for it.

Yeah, I would love to be in a fun, stable, loving relationship but I’d rather focus on school and I’m not ready. I’m always being left for another girl or friendzoned or cheated on or something else horrible. I have tons of trust issues with guys now and rather not get close at all. I’m like terrified to really get intimate with a guy. Scares the living shit out of me. 

When my friends say they understand why I have the single/fling life and their reason is that it’s fun, I get kind of pissed. Sure it’s fun but you don’t really develop any real connections and ties and toy with their hearts or they toy with yours. I’m tried of never being able to stick with one just person. It does frustrate me when everything is going good then they pull some stupid shit or I might slip a little bit.

Well, I just know I’m not ready to be in a relationship and God & Fate will give me the right person at the right time [:

Damn, we look cute together but, shit happened.

Though we didn’t really resolved it and fought.

Randomly, you decided to talk to me again.

Little by little we talk more, here and there.

We changed appearance wise but personality wise,

I’m not exactly sure.

You are doing some things you said you’d never do.

I’m looking at new pictures of you and I’m like, “Damn, you look hella cute in that photo. You look better than before.”

Yet, I know things will never be the same and I’d rather not try things again.

But I still wonder, What if we actually gave it a shot.

It’s sad to hear and see how a person you use to have so much Respect,

Love,

Gifted with many talents,

Intelligents by God,

Is wasted away,

Along with their future.